Video Game Mini-Reviews

Because I honestly think I’m a better reviewer than 90% of writers at IGN.

Introduction

I’ve bought so many games I’m honestly forgetting which ones I’ve played and what I thought of them. I’m using the Dunkey scoring system.

Base-Building/Survival

ARK: Survival Evolved

• The Good: You can ride a dinosaur.
• The Bland: Characters are ugly, especially yours.
• The Ugly: Ever tried to 1v500 a pack of infinitely spawning velociraptors?
• Best For: Someone who REALLY wants to ride a T-Rex.
• Favorite Character: The pterodactyl.
• Completed: About 50 hours.
• Score: 2/5

Don’t Starve Together

• The Good: Fantastic visual style; I love the take on cute-meets-creepy. It genuinely gets scary and the grim tone is balanced by the cartoonish visuals. The base-building isn’t overly complicated and exploring is fun.
• The Bland: You absolutely need to play this with friends. Can be a bit punishing at first.
• The Ugly: Once you get a good system going for getting food and you’ve explored enough, you kind of start to wonder what the point is. A game whose degree of interestingness is predicated on the stress it inflicts on you is just… I don’t know.
• Best For: Someone who wants a unique and interesting survival game that friends can easily pick up.
• Favorite Character: The robot.
• Completed: About 15 hours.
• Score: 3/5

FPS

Apex Legends

• The Good: Incredibly satisfying and fluid sense of motion. Even if you have a negative K/D, like me, it still feels fun to slide around and jump and pick up loot. A very good ping system.
• The Bland: If you have a negative K/D, like me, prepare to die early and often. Also, everybody is a health sponge.
• The Ugly: They took the Spitty out of play >:((((
• Best For: Someone who wants to try FPS but doesn’t know how to shoot, yet doesn’t care.
• Favorite Character: “I am Blóðhundur, you can call me Bloodhound.”
• Completed: I played several hundred hours. The KD never left sub-zero.
• Score: 3/5

Borderlands 2

• The Good: Strong sense of campy-ness; it doesn’t take itself seriously and neither should you. Satisfying, though easy combat. Siren is busted.
• The Bland: You basically need to play this with friends or it’s super boring.
• The Ugly: Some of the jokes go past campy and into repulsive.
• Best For: Someone who can’t play FPS but wants to feel like they’re good at shooters.
• Favorite Character: Maya.
• Completed: Yes.
• Score: 3/5

CS:GO

• The Good: Clean and precise gunplay.
• The Bland: Why have the graphics not been updated since 2005?
• The Ugly: I thought League was bad about flaming noobs :’(
• Best For: Someone who uses aim trainers and has an ego about not wanting to play Valorant.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: I didn’t even make it to 10 hours…
• Score: 2/5

Destiny 2

• The Good: The graphics are SUPER clean, especially for a free-to-play game. Some of the character powers are well thought out and genuinely fun to play.
• The Bland: This entire game. It’s an infinity of “go to this point on the map” and “kill X number of Y” quests. Also, who’s writing the goddamn dialogue? Also, my god did they go heavy handed with the auto-aim.
• The Ugly: Did they run out of funds for voice actors and pull in the janitors for the voice lines?
• Best For: Someone who wants the most brain dead of brain dead shooters – so brain dead you don’t even need to try to shoot.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: Less than 5 hours.
• Score: 1/5

JRPGS

Fire Emblem Awakening

• The Good: We owe the existence of Intelligent Systems to this game, and without it, FE3H would not exist. QOL adjustments to TRPG mechanics. Pair-up system mechanic is interesting. Support convos + Barracks systems cuts the fat of the social sims.
• The Bland: Copy-pasted level design. Some of the supports are… dumb.
• The Ugly: I am not a matchmaker, nor should I need to make an Excel spreadsheet to be one. Also, parents marrying other people’s children? Yeesh.
• Best For: Weebs who want to experience “classic” Fire Emblem without it actually being classic at all.
• Favorite Character: Frederick
• Completed: Gave up after the third marriage.
• Score: 2/5

Fire Emblem Fates

• The Good: …I guess it kept IS afloat long enough for the development of FE3H. Three branching paths is ambitious.
• The Bland: The nicer end of the anime aesthetics. Some of the character designs are passable. The TRPG elements are well-tuned enough, with less repetitive bullshit than previous works in the franchise.
• The Ugly: The worst of the anime aesthetics. Everybody and their mother is a dragon. Camilla is my hell. Also, paying money to unlock a golden ending is a bullshit concept.
• Best For: Weebs.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: I watched Corrin turn into a dragon and my eyes rolled so hard it crashed the emulator.
• Score: 1/5

Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn

• The Good: More interesting map design than previous games.
• The Bland: Micaela is a kind healer, wow. What a shocker.
• The Ugly: The fact that I honestly can’t remember more to write about should be an indicator.
• Best For: Weebs who, like me, were suffering from FE3H withdrawal and were desperate for any facsimile of it.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: I think I got about 3 maps in before I got bored.
• Score: 2/5

Fire Emblem Three Houses

• The Good: Exceptional execution of TRPG mechanics. A narrative that stands up well enough for a diverse and likeable cast, at least one of which you will become unhealthily obsessed with. Social sim mechanics are well balanced by the battle systems. Most importantly, a sense of narrative grandeur and immersion in the world.
• The Bland: Monastery gets a bit old, especially in the second phase. Quality of support conversations is highly variable; oftentimes I skipped.
• The Ugly: Silent protagonist and some particularly frustrating level design (e.g. fog of war, infinite reinforcements).
• Best For: Weebs who fantasize about military strategy but are too dumb to actually study it.
• Favorite Character: Dimitri.
• Completed: Yes, three times.
• Score: 4/5

Suikoden Tierkreis

• The Good: 108 recruitable and playable characters, most of whom are actually related to the story, bear compelling narratives, and are visually and personally distinct from each other. Good fight animations for its era.
• The Bland: The epitome of generic turn-based combat. Music that just barely hits “decent” for the high standards set by JRPG composers.
• The Ugly: Random encounter hell.
• Best For: Weebs who want to pretend they have more than three friends.
• Favorite Character: Roberto, the angsty tsundere we all love.
• Completed: Almost – got scared to fight the final boss.
• Score: 2/5. I’d personally give it a 3/5 because it hits that nostalgia button real good.

Yakuza: Like A Dragon

• The Good: An intensely well-realized world, with so many levels of details and minigames. A genuinely likeable protagonist with an interesting though very slowly-paced narrative.
• The Bland: Such a sluggish turn-based combat that tries to incorporate real-time elements, to very little avail. There is, however, an interesting lore reason for why turn-based combat is the primary mechanic.
• The Ugly: When the minigames are funner than the actual game, you’ve got a problem on your hands.
• Best For: A patient escapist who wants to experience a satirization of Japanese culture.
• Favorite Character: Kasuga.
• Completed: I got about 25% through before I got bored by the combat and the infinitely trailing story.
• Score: 2/5

Puzzle Games

Antichamber

• The Good: A novel concept for a puzzle game.
• The Bland: It’s another walking puzzle game. The graphics can get a little rough on the eyes.
• The Ugly: I remember that the concept was novel, but not the concept itself. That’s pretty bad. Also, I definitely remember cheesing the levels by randomly walking in directions until I solved the puzzle.
• Best For: Someone who wants a chill puzzle game with an interesting premise.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: I remember so little about this game, I don’t even know if I finished it.
• Score: 2/5

Botanicula

• The Good: Strong aesthetic style, and I love the idea of a plant-based puzzle game. Little visual details make for a stylistic and charming tone.
• The Bland: The puzzles. They’re all poorly motivated, if that makes sense – a lot of convoluted “puzzle game logic” going on, and it’s not very inspiring.
• The Ugly: I got stuck on a puzzle and my ego hurts.
• Best For: Someone with a green thumb who isn’t really into video games.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: Fuck that puzzle >:(
• Score: 2/5

Death Squared

• The Good: Cute ideas and some clever mechanics.
• The Bland: You know how in Portal 2 co-op mode, you could do random shit to mess with your partner? This game is literally just that. LITERALLY just that.
• The Ugly: Every puzzle can be solved by moving as slowly as possible so you know exactly what’s going to happen. This does not an exhilarating experience make.
• Best For: Couples looking for a reason to break up.
• Favorite Character: Red cube.
• Completed: Did about 20 levels.
• Score: 2/5

Roguelikes

Enter the Gungeon

• The Good: Super clean mechanics make for an addicting main gameplay loop; it’s a delight to move and control. Punntastic. Has a real sense of humor and style. One of the few narrative-less games I’ve played and enjoyed.
• The Bland: Procedurally generated levels don’t have THAT much variety, but it’s a roguelike, so what do you expect? Also, I need to use the autoaim because I suck.
• The Ugly: You will rage. The camera mode on co-op doesn’t zoom outwards, so if you run in opposite directions, you will lock each other out of cover.
• Best For: Somebody who’s looking for a low-stakes but addicting game with great puns.
• Favorite Character: Doggo.
• Completed: So far I’ve gotten to level 3.
• Score: 5/5.

Hades

• The Good: Some of the best writing and character design in any video game, never mind roguelikes. Superb style and graphics. An interesting and sassy take on Greek mythology; I love the dynamics between Zagreus and many of the other characters.
• The Bland: Man, those levels gets real repetitive. Some of the enemies are total bullshit. Sometimes the movement also feels like bullshit.
• The Ugly: You start to get reliant on particular combinations of upgrades/weapons.
• Best For: Someone looking for a particularly polished take on Greek mythology, or wants to experience the rare roguelike with a real sense of progression.
• Favorite Character: Thanatos.
• Completed: Beat Hades about 5 times now.
• Score: 4/5.

Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime

• The Good: It’s a generally well-balanced co-op experience that knows how to make the game exciting without actually putting you in real danger of losing. Visually, it’s clean and the style is heartwarming.
• The Bland: The concept is as cutesy and bland as one of those sugar cookies you get on an airplane. Some of the controls feel kinda floaty.
• The Ugly: DO. NOT. PUT. THE. METAL. GEM. ON. THE. TURRET.
• Best For: Family friendly fun (if you ignore the term “lovers” in the title).
• Favorite Character: Beam gem.
• Completed: Beat Ursa Major once.
• Score: 3/5

Risk of Rain 2

• The Good: None.
• The Bland: The characters and the concept. I still have no idea where I am or why.
• The Ugly: Have you ever tried to 1v100 enemies but each of them is more overpowered than you are? Also, some of the worst gyroscopic motion controls I’ve ever experienced.
• Best For: People who enjoy hurting themselves (looking at you, Noah).
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: No, because I don’t like hurting myself.
• Score: 1/5

Vampire Survivors

• The Good: The guy who made this game also designs slot machine graphics. Yes, it’s that addicting. (When you get a chest with 5 items… hnnnggggggg…)
• The Bland: You need to play this game at least for an hour before you unlock enough mechanics for it to actually be addicting.
• The Ugly: Seriously, this game is addicting. Also, some levels are super slow and require certain weapons to be viable into late-game.
• Best For: Anybody without a gambling addiction. Also, anybody with a gambling addiction.
• Favorite Character The garlic doesn’t get enough love.
• Completed: Beat the first 3 levels.
• Score: 3/5

RPGs

Bastion

• The Good: Great aesthetics and visuals. Tight controls. You can see the nascent virtues that would later make Supergiant Games such a powerhouse indie studio. It’s a classic for a reason.
• The Bland: I do not remember a single plotline or even the main character’s name.
• The Ugly: None that I remember.
• Best For: Someone who wants a decent and fun action game for less than $10.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: About 30%.
• Score: 3/5

Dragon Age: Origins

• The Good: Classic Bioware grand scope of narrative. As per usual, the character writing is excellent – the dialogue for some of the compainions (Alistair, Zevran) are particularly witty. YOU CAN ROMANCE SOMEONE.
• The Bland: There are roleplaying options for sure. Is there any reason to not pick the nice and bland option? Nope.
• The Ugly: The DnD style turn-based combat is mindnumbingly slow. I ended up turning the difficulty down and playing in real time. Even then, it’s the same pattern: buff party -> cast AOE spell -> auto-attack.
• Best For: Someone who doesn’t mind plodding through boring combat in the name of narrative and banging 2-D men on screen.
• Favorite Character: Alistair.
• Completed: About 40%.
• Score: 3/5

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

• The Good: Such a huge world, and very well developed for its time. There’s some political intrigue and worldbuilding that’s very interesting.
• The Bland: The combat isn’t winning any awards for sure. Hack, cast spell, guard.
• The Ugly: My god, are the NPCs ugly. Also, it suffers the same tradeoff of No Man’s Sky – everything outside of the main questlines just feels incredibly empty.
• Best For: A patient gamer who wants to experience a classic and is willing to download hundreds of mods which may or may not break the game.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: About 10 hours.
• Score: 2/5

Furi

• The Good: A tight visual aesthetic and one of the best soundtracks in video game history. Zero bullshit – they cut all the fat. Most of the voice acting is pretty good. I love the concept of fighting bosses one-by-one. The bullet hell phases of combat are largely tight and precise.
• The Bland: The character design ranges from excellent to blandly confused; so does the voice acting. The melee portions of battles are unplayable without a controller. Also, the story is piecemeal at best.
• The Ugly: Prepare to die infinite times.
• Best For: Someone with fast reflexes who likes electro.
• Favorite Character: “Time is a picture in motion.”
• Completed: I got to the sewage guy. His final phase tilted me so hard I never played the game again.
• Score: 3/5

Mass Effect Trilogy

• The Good: Maybe controversial – I loved how, from game to game, you could see the narrative scope expanding until you literally become the hero of the galaxy. Some of the most outstanding character writing in any video game ever. A fantastic sense of impending doom. YOU CAN ROMANCE A SPACE DADDY.
• The Bland: The combat ranges from spammy-but-satisfying to shoot-shoot-reload-wait-shoot-shoot-repeat. Biotics for life.
• The Ugly: Slogging through some areas – especially the rover-driving sections – can be a truly mindnumbing experience. You may not like the ending.
• Best For: Someone who wants to roleplay as the literal savior of the universe, who doesn’t mind a lack of polish in the combat mechanics.
• Favorite Character: GARRUS MY ALIEN HUSBAND.
• Completed: Yes.
• Score: 4/5

Simulation

Abzu

• The Good: Astoundingly beautiful graphics and a fantastic exploration of the sea. The dolphin level is still one of the most exquisite visuals I’ve seen in a video game.
• The Bland: There’s a narrative. I don’t remember it at all.
• The Ugly: It’s an underwater walking sim.
• Best For: Someone who loves the ocean and had a bad day.
• Favorite Character: The dolphins for sure.
• Completed: Yes.
• Score: 4/5

Visual Novels

Dangonronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc

• The Good: A very cleanly curated style. The devs put time into the aesthetic and tone, and it shows. It’s unique for a visual novel.
• The Bland: Annoying first person movement. I understand the intention behind the interrogation mechanics, I really do. I want to like the truth bullets. I just think it’s so… so… boring….
• The Ugly: Some of the most grotesque death scenes. There’s something weirdly fetishitic and perverse about them, more so than in other video games.
• Best For: A weeb who’s interested in this classic visual novel and has the stomach to sit through Saw-like death scenes.
• Favorite Character: None.
• Completed: About 30%.
• Score: 2/5

Sunless Seas

• The Good: An interesting concept and world, I guess? Some of the writing is genuinely interesting and the hook was strong.
• The Bland: Unintelligible UI.
• The Ugly: This is literally a game built around awful movement mechanics. WHY IS THE GAME PERSPECTIVE LOCKED TO THE NORTH. WHY CAN’T IT BE FACING THE DIRECTION MY SHIP IS POINTED IN. Combat is sluggish and unsatisfying.
• Best For: Someone who wants to read a slow-paced novel with extra bells and whistles.
• Favorite Character: None
• Completed: About 1 hour past the tutorial.
• Score: 1/5

Template

• The Good:
• The Bland:
• The Ugly:
• Best For:
• Favorite Character:
• Completed:
• Score: